Monday, March 30, 2020

What failing in medical school feels like

Assalamualaikum & Salam Stay at home semua,


Masa aku taip ini tengah malam atau lagi tepatnya tengah pagi buta. Aku tak tidur-tidur lagi. Sejak RMO ini sleeping time aku ke laut dah. So, aku nak bercakap tentang sesuatu yang bagi aku sesuatu yang orang selalunya tak tulis, tapi aku nak tulis. 


Aku fail posting Orthopaedics.


Masa keluar result tu, sampailah sekarang.
Ada satu benda yang aku masih tunggu.
Bilalah air mata aku nak keluar? Bilalah aku nak nangis sebab aku fail 1 posting ni?
Ini pertama kali aku fail dalam sejarah course perubatan aku
Weirdly enough aku tak sedih


Tapi kalau rasa hampa itu salah satu keluarga rasa sedih, maka sedihkah aku? Aku rasa betrayed. Rasa macam, selama ini aku belajar last minute boleh je lulus tapi kenapa tidak sekarang. Plus, ortho ini memang effort dia kaw-kaw lah aku belajar sampai lewat malam sampai pukul 3 pagi. 

Dalam medical school ini, terutamanya clinical years, ada ketika memang bergantung pada nasib, luck. Kalau dapat examiner yang strict, susahlah kau nak skor, membuka ruang kepada failure. Tapi, ada je kawan aku yang lulus dengan examiner yang strict, membawa aku sedar yang- sebenarnya, usaha itu penting & redha. Jangan terlalu bergantung pada nasib macam aku. Seems like lucky in me had finished so I had to use my hardwork.


Bersama turunnya CGPA aku untuk sem ini, datang pula RMO. Aku gembira sebab RMO ada, aku boleh reset balik diri aku tapii aku makin anxious sebab aku tak tahu lagi ini sampai sekarang, apa sebenarnya yang buat aku fail masa ortho. Adakah sebab ujian lisan aku? (clinical exam) atau adakah sebab ujian theory aku? Macam mana aku nak cover untuk next-next posting?


Conclusionnya,
What failing in medical school feels like to me:
I feel betrayed;
I feel anxious;
I worry about my future;
And what make it worse?
It doesn't sad me enough that I can cry,
I also questioned my life choices again.


Dalam blog ini aku banyak kali kongsi kegembiraan, tapi sesekali aku nak share fasa-fasa kegagalan aku, sebab itu yang mengingatkan kita hanyalah hamba Dia yang lemah. Sama ada aku nak bangkit ke tak nak bangkit je.


A bland post

13 comments:

  1. Good luck! Failing doesn't feel good. I hilang berat anyak gila masa stress study dulu tapi InshaAllah you'll be much stronger! Semoga dipermudahkan urusan

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  2. I'm having those kind of thoughts too right at this moment.
    When the Movement Control Order suddenly takes place, rasa mcm I was given a second chance to start back.

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    1. Let's use it well and try to do better. Ade hikmahnye semua ni jadi.
      stay positive and stay safe ya ^^

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  3. I hope you'll manage to go through this! I once failed in a couple of tests during my studies and none of my friends or family members at the time understood how I could let it happen. I was so disappointed with myself and I wasn't my usual self for a while. But I manage to get back on track and focus on getting better. Take care!

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    1. thank u for sharing me this... it's really encouraging

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  4. fasa kegagalan nie kekadang buat kita lebih kuat, asal jangan putus asa! keep going ya! :D may ALLAH ease everything for you :)

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    1. aamiin, InsyaAllah! Doakan kita smua x mudah putus asa

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  5. I failed my medical posting last year and cried my lungs out HAHAHA definitely my biggest slump ever. Same here, I felt like I was out of luck. Glad that I was able to move on and passed my remedial.

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    1. I think it's good u criedd, I can'tt, I think I'm like those kind of person who cannot really cry unless it saddens me enough. Thank u for shring thiss, nvr heard of this before 😊 Let us both passed our medical school and become safe doctors

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  6. selalu baca awak citer pasal ortho kat blog ni, i guess it is really hard does it?
    sedih bila kita dah usaha mcm orang gila tapi lucktak menyebelahi kita. semoga terus bangkit tau!

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    1. Yeah somehow it is hard, hopefully saya dpt bangkit 💪

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